Don’t you just love Spring? The new-ness of it all, the potential of it all. Today feels like a real Spring day – not the blue sky / birds singing kind of day, more of a misty morning / crows fighting over breadcrumbs kind of day. But it has POTENTIAL.
It got me thinking (yes it does happen sometimes LOL) about newness, and how I view it. Whether buds on the trees or that lovely new book smell, its all positive, right? But then - dum-dum-DUM – I thought about new cars. Oh yes all lovely and shiny, new car smell, zero on the clock, straight off the showroom floor. Sounds nice? NOOOOOO!!! Too stressful! I could not handle a brand new car! The sheer stress of it – I’d be afraid to drive it in case it got scratched, afraid to leave it in a car park in case someone let go of their trolley, afraid to take the plastic off the seats in case, in case, in case. I’d probably drive around with the plastic on the seats for 10 years!
Then I had one of those moments, not really a lightbulb moment, more of a dimmer switch kind of thing. A slow realisation that, do you know what, THAT is how I treat my emotions. I KEEP THE PLASTIC ON.
I am terrified of getting my emotions ‘dirty’, afraid of spilling fear or grief or anger or frustration on the upholstery. But now that I have had that dimmer switch moment, that is half the battle. I think one of the problems of how I have dealt with emotions over the years is that now I am afraid if I start to release these pent-up emotions I will open the floodgates and will not be able to close them again. To use my ‘plastic on the car seats’ analogy, imagine taking the plastic off your seats after 10 years and having to deal with all of the possible spills and stains that could have happened over that time, all in one go. That is a whole lotta dirt! I guess I’ll have to learn to release a little at a time. I believe this is part of my journey, to accept and acknowledge my emotions good and bad, to own them, feel them, and then release them.
Am I still afraid? You better believe it! But I am also determined, because I know if I don’t deal with this now, this year, it will continue to build up and I may never be able to feel true emotion again. So if we happen to meet up soon, and I squeeze out a few tears, or have a little hissy fit please don’t take it personally, I’ve probably just torn another piece of plastic off the seat of my emotions.